I realized today that the 4 year anniversary of when my healing journey first started, is coming up very quickly. And it caused me to have a moment of reflection.
When my transformation first started, I knew I needed to lose weight and get healthy, but I also knew that I had to fix my insides too. I don’t care what anyone says, you can be the fittest human on Earth, you can be flawless, you can be beautiful, unique and be the prototype for which others strive for. But, if you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually “sick”, what you look like, will always be overshadowed by how you feel. That is why I didn’t even consider anything physically about me, until I knew I was mentally ready to do so.
I spent three years straight, solely focusing on healing the damage that was done to me on an intangible level. The first 6 months, I spoke with a therapist 2-3 times a week. I joined several online groups and forums to talk about what I had gone through and how I was trying to fix it. I read books, articles and blogs. I started to meditate to learn how to calm my mind. I put all of my time, effort and energy into myself, for the first time ever. It surprised me a little at first, when as the days went by, I actually did start to feel a little bit better. I truthfully at one point did not believe that I would ever be “fixed” or be happy ever in my life. But, as time went on, and I started to dig deeper, things became very hard very quickly.
Demons come in all forms, shapes and sizes and can attack when you least expect them to. I went through 6 jobs in 2 1/2 years…… Yes, you read that right. I was not able to mentally handle the stress of a job while fighting the hardest battle of my life. And very few people at the time, even knew it. There was more than one moment, when I sat at home on my couch or laid in my bed and begged to anyone or anything that may be listening, to make it stop. How would I ever be able to provide for myself and sustain a good quality of life, when I couldn’t even handle having a job or doing basic things like grocery shopping, running errands, having a night out with friends. I was scared. I was tortured while awake or asleep by the skeletons of a life long passed.
Thankfully, there came a moment when everything changed. The defining moment for me, was the day when I was finally able to forgive. When I was able to say out loud and with clarity, “I forgive you” and actually mean it. What made the moment so impactful, was the fact that I said it to no one. Forgiving someone can be difficult enough, but forgiving someone who has died is emphatically more difficult. It took 2 years, to undo 20 years of suppressed pain, anger, fear and worthlessness; for the most part anyway. I cried and cried and cried when I said it. Not because I was sad, but because I had finally freed myself of the largest demon of them all.
That day, I knew I would be ok. I knew I still had work to do, but I would be ok. And that I was now ready to move, to the outside…