The Inside

I realized today that the 4 year anniversary of when my healing journey first started, is coming up very quickly.  And it caused me to have a moment of reflection.

When my transformation first started, I knew I needed to lose weight and get healthy, but I also knew that I had to fix my insides too.   I don’t care what anyone says, you can be the fittest human on Earth, you can be flawless, you can be beautiful, unique and be the prototype for which others strive for.  But, if you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually “sick”, what you look like, will always be overshadowed by how you feel.  That is why I didn’t even consider anything physically about me, until I knew I was mentally ready to do so.

I spent three years straight, solely focusing on healing the damage that was done to me on an intangible level.  The first 6 months, I spoke with a therapist 2-3 times a week.  I joined several online groups and forums to talk about what I had gone through and how I was trying to fix it.  I read books, articles and blogs.  I started to meditate to learn how to calm my mind.   I put all of my time, effort and energy into myself, for the first time ever. It surprised me a little at first, when as the days went by, I actually did start to feel a little bit better.   I truthfully at one point did not believe that I would ever be “fixed” or be happy ever in my life.  But, as time went on, and I started to dig deeper, things became very hard very quickly.

Demons come in all forms, shapes and sizes and can attack when you least expect them to. I went through 6 jobs in 2 1/2 years…… Yes, you read that right. I was not able to mentally handle the stress of a job while fighting the hardest battle of my life.  And very few people at the time, even knew it.   There was more than one moment, when I sat at home on my couch or laid in my bed and begged to anyone or anything that may be listening, to make it stop.   How would I ever be able to provide for myself and sustain a good quality of life, when I couldn’t even handle having a job or doing basic things like grocery shopping, running errands, having a night out with friends.   I was scared.   I was tortured while awake or asleep by the skeletons of a life long passed.

Thankfully, there came a moment when everything changed.   The defining moment for me, was the day when I was finally able to forgive.   When I was able to say out loud and with clarity, “I forgive you” and actually mean it.   What made the moment so impactful, was the fact that I said it to no one.   Forgiving someone can be difficult enough, but forgiving someone who has died is emphatically more difficult.  It took 2 years, to undo 20 years of suppressed pain, anger, fear and worthlessness; for the most part anyway.   I cried and cried and cried when I said it.   Not because I was sad, but because I had finally freed myself of the largest demon of them all.

That day, I knew I would be ok.   I knew I still had work to do, but I would be ok.  And that I was now ready to move, to the outside…

 

Sanctuary

Everyone should have one, in my opinion.

That place where you can go to, when you’re in need of solitude, to re-align yourself or even to just simply get away for a time.    It doesn’t have to be exotic or cost any money, it may not even be a place you have to leave to get to.  Just a place to go, that when you’re done you leave with a smile on your face and are more at peace than when you arrived.

I have such a place.  I first went there in my early 20s with a group of friends.  It’s several trails of various degree in difficulty, wrapping around three small lakes.   We went quite often, always late at night (when we weren’t actually supposed to be there) and the trails were lit up by only the moon and stars above us.   I fell in love for the first time on those trails.   Most of the most romantic times I have ever had, were on those trails.   I won’t lie, we were punks and idiots too, but fuck me, it was fun.   I think that’s the reason why it’s my go to place for when I need a breather, only genuinely good, fun and amazing things happened there.   Including a few “rendez-vouzs” I will not go into detail about, for fear my family may one day find and read these.  But you get the idea.

I didn’t go for several years.  Not because I didn’t want to or didn’t think about it, but because I feared it.   I was in such a dark place for such a long time and couldn’t fully admit it or identify it for most of it.  It’s the worst feeling in the world.  To know you aren’t right and aren’t ok, but don’t know why; mentally, subconsciously blocking yourself from going there in your head.  I was afraid of going there because deep down I knew that if I went there, I wouldn’t come back.

I did go back though, for the first time a little over 2 years ago.   I don’t think I could even use words to describe what went through me when I did.  I walked those trails alone, for the first time ever and cried the whole time.   When I got back to my car, I knew right then and there that it was my sanctuary.   My place that I could go, alone and be ok and be able to come out the other side stronger and better.

Now, whenever I feel myself start to slip. Or have something that’s been bothering me or need an answer to something I haven’t been able to work out, that’s where I go.   I don’t know why and I don’t know how but it works every single time.

 

 

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Well then…..

I’ve wanted to do this for quite some time now, have a platform where I could get out what I needed to get out.   A place where I could tell my story and the journey of everything I have been through and everything I have accomplished along the way.

As much as my journey has already been a long one, I still have a ways to go and more than ever, I need a place to work through and deal with the current issues at hand.    Originally, my diary as some may call it, started on an online forum.   Through pictures and small excerpts I documented my struggles. My successes and my failures.   My proud moments and my sad moments.  Unfortunately it morphed into something that I never intended it to be.   It started to affect me mentally and emotionally; a talk with my most trusted confidante recently exposed this and upon acknowledging it, I decided that I was ready and in the right frame of mind to give this a try.

This blog will not start from the absolute beginning and explain everything that happened up until now.   Not everything that plagued me before continues to affect me any longer.   But the big ones…. well yes, they still do.   On the days when I need to talk about them I will go into detail.   One of the things I try very hard to stop doing is looking backward and try to focus more on what’s in front of me and ahead of me.

So, today is Day 1.

Today, I am a single, 34 year old who has gone through more changes in the last 4 years than some people do in their lifetime.   I am the happiest, healthiest and most stable I have been in my entire life.   I have lived through nightmares and demons most people couldn’t handle.  I have fought every single day, to be where I am now.   And this…. is my journey of how I do it